Caitlin
by elilover2
Summary: Song fic to Panic! At the Disco's Sarah Smiles. Nick reflects on his time with Caitlin. Warped logic at points, but it's how I feel he would think.


**A/N: Another song fic! WOAH! Yeah, I'm back. Sorry if you don't like these, but I'm going to continue. Anyway, read and enjoy. The song is Sarah Smiles by Panic! at the Disco.**

Nick's POV

_I was fine, just a guy living on his own_

_Waiting for the sky to fall_

_Then you called and changed it all_

_Doll_

When I first saw you, I was living alone. Not technically "alone", but alone. My dad only ever talked to insult me, and Tom had become way more interested in his muscles. Of course, we still did things together, but I still felt like he was pulling away. It was an awful feeling, somewhere between drowning and treading water. That stage where your arms are sore, and the water is slipping in, but you can still breath. The end is coming, but it's not there yet.

I felt like the sky was pressing in, the weight hitting my shoulders. I was Atlas, and was losing my grip. And then, you called. Not with a phone, but with your movements, your magnetism. Your face and your hair, how you wore that blue dress, like it was made for you. You were calling to me. I answered.

_Velvet lips and the eyes that pulled me in_

_We both know you'd already win_

_Mm, you're original sin_

You danced across my vision when my eyes were closed, replacing the black with a ray of light. Your lips looked like velvet, so soft, your eyes pinned me, capable of holding me for hours at a time. They told me things, things we both already knrew. You were going to win my heart, no questions asked.

You were a sin, too good to be, well, good. You smelled of brimstone and something sweet, like berries. Your kisses burned my skin and soothed it at the same time. If you were sin, I was going to Hell. I'd give up a halo to be with you. Anything.

_You fooled me once with your eyes _

_Now honey_

_You fooled me twice with your lies_

_And I say_

You pulled me in with those eyes, hooked me with the sheer truth behind them. But, was it truth? You seemed to be rebelling more and more, refusing to do what I asked. What I thought was love was...I didn't know what. You were tricking me with those gorgeous orbs.

Then, the lies turned verbal. You told me nothing was going on, but you were so close to him! He was breathing you in, inhaling your essence, stealing you piece by piece. Stealing you from me. I couldn't let that happen! I needed you too much! And, you needed me too.

Right?

_Sarah smiles like Sarah doesn't care_

_She lives in her world so unaware_

_Does she know that my destiny lies with her?_

_Sarah, sarah_

_Oh Sarah, Sarah_

_Are you saving me?_

When you smiled, it said it all, and when you smiled it took it all back. I didn't know what to believe. Did you care about me? I could never tell. You smiled like you had a secret, and maybe you did. I was never allowed into your special world, the one you shared with only yourself. You never let me in, just kept me in the dark.

Did you even know?

Did you know that my future was your's? You were me and I was you and there was no seperation between the two. We were one. Did you know that?

I don't think so.

You didn't know a lot of things, and neither did I. For instance, I still don't know if you were saving me or just postponing my imminent doom. I was bound to fall, but did you push me? Did I trip? Did you hold me back?

Do you know?

Do I?

_Waking up to a kiss and you're on your way_

_I really hoped that you would stay_

_But you left and went your own way_

_Babe_

I remeber mornings waking up, like the morning after our first time, at the beach house. You would kiss my lips and leave the room, disappearing for the whole day. I would spend hours looking for you, but you would never appear.

I really wanted you to appear. To stay with me. But, you never did. You always left, always kissed me, always came back to do it again. I let you, not wanting to hold you back. Did I, though? It seems like I did, though you held me back too.

You just didn't know it.

_I don't mind, take your time_

_I got things to do_

_Besides sit around and wait for you_

_Oh, and I hope you do too_

It didn't matter though, I had other friends. I didn't sit around like a lovesick puppy, waiting for you to get back. I had a damn good time talking to Liana and playing frisbee with time. I even had a few drinks with Saint, just to be friendly.

I didn't need you, I had other places to be, other people demanding I pay attention to them.

I hope you had a good time where ever you were. I hope you enjoyed yourself as much as I enjoyed myself.

I missed you so much.

_You fooled me once with your eyes now_

_Honey_

_You fooled me twice with your lies_

_And I say_

You looked at me those nights, and I could see love in your eyes. But, was it? You'd lied to me with those eyes before, I wasn't going to be lied to again. But, of course I was. I allowed myself to sink into those eyes, enjoying the magic I found in them. You could stop a war with just one look.

But, you couldn't stop a punch.

You also lied to me with your words. Again. You claimed that your disappearances were nothing to worry about, but they were. You could have been doing anything, seeing other guys, seeing your old friends, anything! How was I to NOT worry!

I asked you several times, swore I wouldn't get mad, but you continued to lie. It's no problem, it's not important, it doesn't matter. But, it did! More than you could possibly know!

It mattered because it was the truth and it was you. A deadly combination.

_Sarah smiles like Sarah doesn't care_

_She lives in her world so unaware_

_Does she know that my destiny lies with her?_

_Sarah_

_Sarah _

_Are you saving me?_

You smiled all the time! Smiled through good times and bad, smiled when you said I love you and smiled when you lied. I couldn't believe you were happy when you smiled, that's how much you did. If someone smiles too much, it means they're hiding their true feelings. That's what you were doing.

Or, were you just naieve? I couldn't say. I never could understand you. That fucking world you lived in had a ten foot barrier and a keep out sign. I never got a glimpse inside that little world that kept you so sheltered. Did I ever want to? Only if it gave me answers. But, it didn't, wouldn't, couldn't. Because, you were that world.

You couyldn't answer my questions, even if the answer should have been easy. You knew about my home, how could you not know how much I put into you? How much I thought about you? There was no possible explanation.

None of it was explainable.

And, that damn cliff I was teetering on the edge of. Some days I felt your hand gently holding my back, steadying me. Other days, I felt no hand at all. I only saw your eyes, staring out of the darkness, blinking slowly in the dying embers of a once steady love.

You were inconsistent.

I loved you.

_And it's killing me inside_

_Consuming all my time_

_You've left me blind_

_And when I think I'm right_

_You strip my pride_

_You cast it all aside, but I say_

It was destroying me, this love limbo you had me in. I never knew what to expect. Figuring you out took all my time, it left me haggard and desperated for the end, yet still begging for more. More puzzles to work out, more riddles to solve. I wanted to know you.

I was blinded by the sheer destruction of our love. It eroded my heart, ate away at my brain, killed my nerves and left me struggling for air. I didn't know what was happening, but I liked it all the same. You were my drug, and I was addicted. I needed daily doses to keep me going. It was the only way to keep going.

And yet, you still managed to ruin my self esteem. My life. Just when I thought I'd figured you out, you would change. You would strip me of all the pride I had in me and you would throw it on the ground. You would take the love we sharedd and toss that aside too. At least, I thought that's what you did. Now I realize you were just trying to be...you.

_Sarah smiles like Sarah doesn't care_

_She lives in her world so unaware_

_Does she know that my destiny lies with her?_

_Sarah_

_Oh Sarah_

_Are you saving me?_

I realize something now. You don't care. That smile held more truth than anything else. You don't care, and you never will. Your safe little world isn't big enough for two and you're never going to allow it to expand. You'll just sit inside, never letting in the sun.

I also realize something else. You did know my destiny was in your palm. You watched it unfold, molded it into your own shape. Of course, I helped. I did hit you after all. But, you took it to court. You told Tom about my dad. And those two things have change my life more than anything else.

Caitlin, I know now a lot of things. I'll leave you with this. You did save me. You did. Indirectly of course. You see, you pushed me off the cliff, but was waiting at the bottom was a better place. Sure, the landing hurt, but I healed, and I stodd, and I'm still standing. I wish you the best.

I miss you.

I love you.

I'll forget you.

Goodbye.


End file.
